Anything not currently working out for you is a part of everything ultimately working out for you. Surrender and release. Trust.”
I am being faced with how I react, show up, and be with things not going my way or the way that I intended for them to go. Today the moon is full it’s 8:08pm. I’m at piedmont park standing under a covered area, it’s pouring. Thunder is roaring, the electric spark of the lightning is beautiful yet frightening. The most torrential rain is pouring. I’m sitting here alone sort of, among strangers that also found this space a refuge from the downpour. The wind is fiercely blowing, so we’re all still getting wet. A woman is standing beside me with her two girls, she confirms with me that rain was not in the forecast. Correct. No rain was in the forecast today, so I decided to take advantage of the sunny evening and take a stroll to my happy place. Usually, I park and walk the tree-lined trail about a mile before I get to the big loop in the park. I had my book, my journal, a few tangerines, and a pair of sunglasses in my bag. I made it to the grass, took my shoes off and on my inhale I saw a rainbow, not a minute later the skies opened. It felt so personal. Like, really?! I wanted to be annoyed and frustrated, but I just kept reminding myself to breathe. To take in the beauty of the rain, the lightning, the thunder. This is what this moment had called for me though I had it playing out totally different. I’m cold at this point and wet. Still reminding myself to breathe, unclench my jaws, and release the tension from my body. Eventually, the rain did slack up, and I walked the mile back to my car. It was a peaceful walk, I must have recited the serenity prayer at least ten times. “God, give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.”
Earlier this morning I was flying back to Atlanta from Newark.(sidebar: I had the MOST fantastic weekend with family, celebrating my Dad’s birthday and fathers day) I got to Newark airport at 6:40am for a 7am flight, it’s not my first time at this rodeo, so I’m not panicked or anything. When I got to security, the first thing I noticed was that the pre-check line was closed so now I begin to feel the tension growing throughout my body. I feel the frustration. I feel panic. I look at my phone its 6:44am, I need to be to the gate by 6:45am. The reality that I’m missing this flight set in, I’m vacillating between getting on the next flight and what if there was a chance the plane didn’t depart on time, with that thought I rushed past the people in line, letting them know that my flight was about to leave. I made it to the front of security and through with a breeze. I got to the gate, and the gate agent was just walking off the plane. She said it checked in as a full flight and that they would be closing the doors. My first thought was “Shyah, you stalled at security if you immediately rushed past everyone you could have made it” You know maybe I could have and I didn’t. Perhaps the person on standby needed my seat more than I did. Perhaps it was in perfect alignment that I did not make that flight because if I were meant to be on the flight the gate agent would have been waiting to take my boarding pass when I showed up. Instead, she went into the system, rebooked me on the 8am and wished me safe travels. I proceeded to the Delta Skyclub made a tea, ate a scone and journaled until it was time to board my flight.
I ask God a lot of questions. The flight scenario really highlighted an internal grappling with the balance between alignment and forging. I am wondering where else do I give up prematurely accepting what’s in front of me as oppose to forging through and making whatever I believe is for me to happen no matter how much intensity, pain, or sacrifice it takes. Both of these beings exist within me. Forcing a person to be for me is an example of one extreme and patiently standing in a security line knowing that my flight departs in minutes is an example of the other extreme. I am aiming to exist somewhere between the two. Being in perfect alignment while doing all in my control, which I accept can be very little at times.
I went to sleep on that, I opted out of reflecting, talking on the phone, or doing anything else I thought needed to be done. I slept. I woke up with an answer to the question I posed the evening before. It came in the form of a message from my dear friend Deon Wimbush:
My prayers are being answered. And that was my own personal full moon lesson.