Riding the waves.
2.2.2020. Today is my half birthday. I woke up like a kid, excited for life, excited for the sunshine, and excited to notice I am half-way to my next solar return.
As of late, I’ve observed my response to people’s inquiry into what I’ve been up to: “I’m riding the waves.” my consistent and sincere answer.
I am riding the waves of joy. I am happy in the depths of my heart. I recall a conversation with my friend Tameka; While sharing my ruminations on what it meant for me to happy, she suggested that perhaps happiness isn’t a plausible constant or a place to get but rather a choice to be made moment to moment. I had happy as a destination, and once shifting that perspective, I’ve been choosing to experience unadulterated joy and happiness just for today, every day.
I am riding the waves of uncertainty. Early January, I got laid off. I was shocked at how light I took the news. I laughed with cheer and a little surprise. I spoke with my Babalawo* during this time. I told him that I was shocked to be in such a happy place. I was surprised that my anxiety did not come to taunt me. He reminded me of the lightheartedness we are offered here on earth when the sacrifice in heaven has already been made. “As above, so below.” Over these six months leading up to today, I leveled up spiritually as if it were a presage of my lay off and other shifts. It has become uncomfortable, nearing unbearable to co-exist in spaces that are not an energetic match for me. Yet and still, I am human, and I grapple with fear and anxiety.
On January 2nd, I did a budget, a real down to the penny budget, and I had a conversation with God. It went something like this: “Creator, I know I have made a destination out of a place that you called me to pass-through. Please give me the strength to make it through another six months.” If I stuck to my budget and followed through on the things I was working on, I would resign. I made this plea with God a few times in the past. 1/9/2020. Six years and four months to the date I started my journey at my previous job, God let me know that we did not have any more playtime left. I am forever grateful for the experience. And that’s that on that.
I am riding the waves of trust. Proverbs 3:5-6 is a different experience when lived. Off the pages of your bible, beyond theory, but applied in the thick of life. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will direct your path.”
I am riding the waves of surrender. In August 2019, I was in Lagos, Nigeria, for my Ifa* initiation. My consistent prayer since this experience is to have my destiny and my desires in alignment. That is a radical surrender, especially for someone who, until this point, has been bull-headed and relentless in pursuing her heart’s desire. It’s not beneficial to fight against my destiny. I know that my desires are not my destiny when they require a fight.
I am riding the waves of truth. I have become extraordinarily skilled at putting up with and pushing through. In my previous post ‘pause.’ I spoke briefly of how I’ve noticed the notion of pushing through to be sadistic in many ways. On my quest to live my truth, suffering is counter-productive.
Although I’ve become quite good at my job and created a seemingly rewarding career, the amount of anxiety that overcomes me– crying in my car in the parking lot, headaches, nausea, not feeling well, being energetically drained– diminishes the worth, ultimately. The same in relationships, having fun and being in a partnership is beautiful- blurring of boundaries, self-doubt, panic attacks, unnecessary bickering, possessiveness and lack of trust– diminishes the worth, ultimately. It does not mar the beauty or benefit of that thing, place, or person for someone else. It’s just not a match for me. Becoming ok with this is a wild and rogue wave to ride, but I haven’t drowned.
I am riding the waves of accountability. I give up blame, period. Anything present in my reality, I called the experience in my life. I am that powerful, and the moment I give away that power by placing blame, I create an imbalance within myself. I admittedly have not gotten to a place where I can hold others accountable without feeling bad. Which, by the way, is such an obsolete notion. Feeling bad takes up space unnecessarily. It’s an energy drainer mostly because it does not forward anything. It does not create a space for change, correction, or progression. When focused on another, it does not alter the reality of their experience. It’s a practice, to not feel bad.
I am riding the wave of radical forgiveness. It’s quite an intriguing experience to observe humans human. Over the past few weeks, I’ve said this often. My gift and equally, my curse is a devout understanding and empathy towards humans as they journey. People operate by their personal code of ethics, and principles of integrity. My challenge has become to extend grace in a way that does not compromise nor diminish my code of ethics, and principles of integrity. In layman’s, your girl is working on upholding healthy boundaries and holding others accountable for their blatant lack of decency.
So when I say “I’m riding the waves.” this is an insight into what I mean. Actual surf lessons may be beneficial for me in my near future. It seems like a timely endeavor.
A lot of Love.
And all the waves.
The gentle and the rogue, alike…
Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina.
*Babalawo translates to “the father of mysteries” in the Yoruba language. It denotes the spiritual title of Priest of the Ifa oracle.
*Ifa is a science; it’s a divination system that represents the teachings of the Orisa Orunmila. My relationship with my Iyanifa, Ayeloja, incited my journey with Ifa, or so it seemed. My ancestors created this path for me to return home. Home to the truth of who I am and who’s I am. (another post for another day. look at Spirit creating for me a writing schedule smile)