dark corners.

She was so profoundly sad within the dark corners of her soul. Longing for a love. Longing to be understood. Longing to be wanted. She was longing for a place to stretch her bones, a place for her blood to flow freely, a place where she could be free in her own skin.

She was profoundly sad within the dark corners of her soul. She wanted to be soothed. She wanted to be rocked. She wanted to be reassured that she was enough. Bruised. Beaten. and tormented she never learned how to be there for herself the way she showed up for others. She so badly wanted someone to meet her there, within the dark corners of her soul.

2017.

cropped-img_1217.jpg

 

This year made me  realize that my very existence is the epitome of love. I live the life of my dreams, literally. I get whatever I am willing to die for. I am not talking physical death, I’m talking ego death. I am surrounded by some of the most phenomenal, magical human beings. I am adventurous and most times too spontaneous for even my own good. I feel everything. I am empathic and learning to set healthy boundaries. This year I really began to decipher between what thoughts and feelings belong to me and what is not mine. My thoughts and feelings get sorted too, what’s coming from authentic Shyah vs. afraid Shyah. I decipher not to judge but to choose because feelings are not facts.

In numerology, we operate on nine-year cycles, each year has a sort of theme that sums of the lessons and reality of that year. 2017 was a personal two-year for me. Two years can be slow and focused on heavily on partnership. My two year was riddled with false starts, thwarted plans, and a resolute necessity for partnership.I spent the first half of the year ill. Generally, I did not feel well, most mornings I woke up achy and nauseous. Other mornings I felt faint with high fevers, chills and swollen lymph nodes. Doctor appointment after doctor appointment and all the physicians were able to tell me was that my body seemed to be fighting off an infection but all test were coming back clear so they were not sure what infection I had. The best thing they could offer was naproxen to help with the pain. Frustrated was an understatement.

I started Iyanla’s 21 Days of Forgiveness and aggressively and intentionally released any anger and resentment I was holding on to. I felt angry a lot and I wanted to create a space for my body to heal itself. I know that anger is not a breeding ground for healing. I started using all natural products, started a plant-based diet too. In June I was fed up, I was sick! On somedays I found myself questioning my own mortality, something had to give. I prayed and I did something I would not normally do I began sharing with people. I even posted on Instagram that I was in pain. People offered prayer, kind thoughts, and suggestions on possible diagnosis I should ask my doctor to look into. I also made up my mind during that time that my body would be healed by July. Late June, I found a holistic doctor in Atlanta, Dr. Maisha Clairborne on my first visit I shared my symptoms, we talked, laughed, talked some more. One immediate difference I found in Dr. Clairborne’s office was the presence of love. She was kind, knowledgeable, engaged and committed to my relief. She had some ideas on what may be causing these symptoms and she ran test to confirm. LYME DISEASE. I had Lyme Disease, contracted in at some point in late 2016 and it was wreaking havoc on my physical and emotional well-being. She put me on an aggressive 8-week treatment plan. Things got worst but then they began to get better and for the first time in over six months waking up was not the most painful event of my day. #LoveLiftedMe

 

July. I decided to move out of my comfy, quaint, sanctuary of an apartment. I have been in this apartment for three years and I really made it into a retreat for myself. I had other plans and for those plans to manifest I had to bring closure to this level of comfort and prepare myself for what it is I really wanted. I was moving in with a friend for a few months, and let me tell you the process to get me out of my apartment was tumultuous. Tears, no not like a few tears. Sobs. I was so emotional, thank God for Sista Ash or I may have changed my mind altogether. I pushed through, packed my things in the final hour. Ok honestly in the final hours I was still crying but I have friends like Justin Terry and Louis Alston. They showed up at my apartment with a pickup truck and packed the rest of my things. They packed everything onto the truck and in our cars at almost 4am we were caravanning across Atlanta with my things spread between three cars. That night I experienced love and partnership on a completely new and inspiring level. They held me down! My capacity to give and to love expanded immensely on July 19th.  #LoveLiftedMe.

 

The next morning I was headed to the airport, Washington DC bound for a work trip, then to Richmond, VA for Doula training. When I got back to Atlanta I learned that my moving plans had completely fallen through in the most dramatic, unnerving way. Not even six days later and I was moving my things to storage. Not just I. It was me, Stephanie, Thomas, and a friend of Thomas’. We were moving my things to storage and I was still figuring out where I would stay temporarily. Temporarily became four months; I’ve stayed on couches, in bedrooms, at homes, with friends. Stephanie. Lisa. Louis. Tevie. Nakiya. Ayodele. Thomas. They picked me up. Listened to me. Encouraged Me. Made me dinner. Showed me so much grace and so much love. #LoveLiftedMe

 

I cried a lot this year. I laughed a lot too. I began working on the things that I am willing to give my life over to, projects like Black to Africa. I no longer have space or capacity to merely exist in any area of life. I must thrive. I must do the things my soul incarnated here in this body for me to do.I must live so that the end of my day is well worth it not just for my sake but also for generations to come. I know I live an incredible life and I know that I would not be able to without those that stand in the gap, push me off the ledge when I’m too scared to do it myself. Hold my hand when I need to be comforted, tell me the truth when a lie is less painful. I hate naming names out fear of forgetting someone but these angels are representative of the love that lifted me in 2017. Leah. Sista Ash. Louis. Mom. Dad. A. Malaika. Charm. Anton. Kiya. Tevie. Stephanie. Thomas. Michelle. CeCe. Deon. Angela. Justin. Isvari. Saurel. John. Halleemah. Kristel. LaTrese. Frank. Maggie. Malika. Carm. Brandi. WBM. Rie Rie. Bee Bee. Uncle E. Suratu. Brendalyn. Dr. Clairborne. Every group chat that made me laugh. Every prayer or kind thought that I may never know of Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Here’s to 2018. The year I increase my havingness, upgrade all areas of life, contribute to the culture, heal, and create.

2017 bore #LoveLiftedMe

 

2017 bore a giant.

 

Thank you 2017.

 

 

Thoughts on Healing from Cape Town

What is my purpose in life? To heal that which needs to be healed.

If it is true that we are souls who incarnated to have this human experience then what we do professionally is a minimal matter in comparison to how willing we are to allow ourselves to heal. Consider we incarnated to heal generational wounds. Also, consider the ONLY way this is possible is by being intentional about learning the tough lessons. Looking at what hurts most and dealing with the root cause of it. What if we did not turn down the opportunity to be uncomfortable because we were so sure that the heat of the fire was exactly what was needed to move us through.

moonlit.

October 31st 2017.                                             1:54am.
The moon was waxing gibbous, it was bright AF. You told me if I moved my feet like windshield wipers it would help me go to sleep faster. The alarms are set for 5:15am and that plane won’t wait for me, but I can’t stop giggling.