she exposed her handicap because the space was safe. they all watched her burn because it made them uncomfortable.
the most magical parts of the journey for me always seems to be on the other side of an answered call. You know the call in the seat of your soul that tells you to do this, or that, switch locations, travel here. It’s never comfortable or convenient and what I’m learning is that it’s guaranteed to be magical, transformative and life-altering.
This weekend I completed the Mama Glow Level One Doula Training in Brooklyn. Without sufficient language to describe the experience I will just say the weekend was sacred. It was divine. and the Glow has been activated!
I take on life as a game, there are some things you must do to get to the next level and until you do those things you continue to repeat the same level over and over. Repetition is necessary, especially as a way to seal in the lessons. This training however, was a portal for me. It was literally me activating the next level of my journey as a birth worker, counselor, coach and advocate for women of color.
It all started November 2016, the day after the presidential election. I, like so many others was feeling pretty heavy that day. My body ached, my head ached, it was a gloomy day. It reminded me of NYC on September 12th, 2001 a feeling of somber so thick, I could never forget. I went into work and got a call toward the end of the day that a friend was progressing in labor. I rushed home, took a shower, changed clothes and went over to the hospital to offer my support. Shortly after arriving it was time for mama to push, I had been anticipating baby Aedyn’s arrival for quite some time but what I had not anticipated was the message she bought forth for me. Aedyn’s birth solidified that I am a doula, the way in which her birth transpired solidified that my voice would be used to advocate for women of color and my innate gifts would be used to nurture and heal the womb. I’ve attended births since Aedyn, I’ve done trainings, I’ve done research but there was something missing. What was missing was the training, nurturing and mentorship that I received this weekend at Mama Glow Level One Doula Training and to think, this is only the beginning. While still newly minted, I am firmly planted. I am a part of a collective of women that love me. I am trained by a Goddess who is walking in her truth, on her path. Latham has done the work and she left the door open for other Goddesses such as myself to walk in, to learn, grow and expand.
I’m super grateful for the opportunity. I am also super present to the obligation to answer the call. Our work is so much bigger than us or our temporary discomfort or inconvenience. Latham answered the call to develop this Doula Training, creating the space for a group of phenomenal women to answer their call. I will spend some in reflection about the weekend, I will share more, I’m sure. But for now…if you feel the call in the seat of your soul, go for it.
about a week ago I ran my first half-marathon. I had a thought today about how quickly a goal becomes an afterthought once complete, at least for me. Running 13.1 Miles wasn’t something I would have predicted for myself, but it’s something I noticed myself admiring in others. I would get this jolt of excitement when I saw people complete marathons, sort of an admiration. Turns out that excitement was my body wanting to be pushed to that extent. In January, I decided I would sign up for the Brooklyn Half-Marathon, my Dad said he would join me… four months of training later and we did it!
Lessons from 13.1
- My mind is literally the cheat code. If I declare I’m tired and don’t want to run, I have a shitty run. If I say I’m running 10 miles today, I run 10 miles, with ease.
- I’m a sprinter. I can endure anything for a finite amount of time. I found myself wanting to run fast and be done. It was both humbling and joyous to slow down and witness myself go the distance. Turns out slow and steady really does win the race 🙂
- The first two miles always seemed to be the hardest, I am now noticing where I may want to give up at the onset of discomfort and realizing that I haven’t even found my flow yet.
- If you admire something in another, (or if you’re repulsed by something in another) it’s because it exists in you!
- Doing something for the first time is just riveting!!! Do it!
when love triggers the most raw, vulnerable, sensitive parts of yourself, let it. love brings up anything unlike itself.
perhaps it’s a defense mechanism. she shares emotions and feelings with the collective and she struggle’s to maintain boundaries… she picks up the phone mid-dream to listen– she offers support, encouragement, prayer– most times she doesn’t even realize that the conversation rarely shifts to her or her well-being but occasionally she notices. she holds those needing to held, and then when she needs a shoulder the most, a moment to breathe, to release, to replenish… she leaves, she goes deep within herself. hard to find, hard to pin down. but eventually, she appears again. she can be a bit of an apparition at times.
my healing is your healing. my joy is your joy. my pain is your pain.
your life is my life. your habits are my habits. your heart is my heart.
thank you for nurturing me, loving me, birthing me.
thank you for the moments you persisted when you had nothing left in you to give.
thank you for the days you wanted to give up but you didn’t.
thank you for the times you did not know what to do but you did something.
thank you for your grace. for making it all look and feel so effortless.
thank you for listening to my stories as if they were the most interesting.
thank you for carrying me.
thank you for pushing when you were tired.
thank you for smiling when on the inside you were crying.
words are so futile when measuring my gratitude, my love, my reverence.
you are beauty defined. grace personified. love, perhaps overqualified.
i chose you. and if given the chance i would choose you over and over.
and over. forever. my girl.
with love and gratitude.
happy mother’s day!
the moment when every single thing that is not working.
every way of being that is no longer serving you.
every commitment that is out of alignment.
is right there, in plain sight.
it’s forcing you to do something.
you feel like your back is against a wall.
it almost feels like your head is going to explode.
“Who Am I? What Am I Doing? Why Am I Here? Why Did I Just Say That? Why Am I Holding On So Tight? What The Hell Am I So Afraid Of? Why Is This Not Working? Why Am I So Irritated? Why Am I Taking It Out On The One I Love?”
the answers to those questions, whatever you come up will not be what makes a difference. I am actually not sure what will make a difference for you. But I read a quote once that said “for a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen, a gaseous nebula must collapse.” and you know what else? the caterpillar… the caterpillar has such a gruesome transformation into the butterfly. In summation, one day the caterpillar stops eating, hangs itself upside down and spins or molts into a cocoon. What happens in that cocoon? Oh little homie digests’ itself, each cell self destructs releasing prime butterfly-making material. I imagine it’s intense as hell in that cocoon. but then, the butterfly is released.
so combust. let your head explode. scream. cry. explode. shit, digest yourself. there’s beauty in the rebirth. there’s beauty on the other side.
wings and shiny things.