in the middle of eclipse and retrograde season. i do not know if i’m coming or going some days. things are moving slow but things are certainly moving. traumas are being revealed. ancestral traumas are being healed. i am at most in the drivers seat of my healing and my creations. and at the very least i am getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night. i’m introspective and even my introspections are of retrospect. i feel the love even in my solitude. i’m challenging the illusions i’ve made reality. i’m loving on the voids i’ve historically tried to get others to fill. i have so many creative ideas swirling. i’m writing a lot. i celebrated a solar return. i bought a house. and i’m training for another half-marathon. still somehow i feel like i’m just getting started. i guess because there is no mountaintop…i’ll holla!
my relationship with you is essentially my relationship with myself. you and I are two souls incarnated on purpose. we both have traumas, karmic debts, and scores to settle in this lifetime. We came to this plane as two completely separate beings, yet we are one…
…your very presence in my life is proof of divine order and divine grace. I marvel at the ways we find each other lifetime after lifetime in different forms. I’m amazed at the measures taken for us to reconnect on such a massive planet.
as we navigate this journey, i am here for you and even more so i am here for me. taking care of you will come naturally, i promise to take care of myself. please promise to take care of yourself. we will be better together because of it.
somewhere at the intersection of the rain washing over me and finding my rhythm in my third mile I began to smile. You don’t have to suffer. It was so clear, so simple yet so profound. Oh gosh, I don’t have to suffer! I tapped my fingers to the rhythm of my run, began to breathe deeper yet lighter. The colors of the trees seemed brighter and I breathed it all in– all the love, creativity and ease– and I exhaled suffering, at all cost.
I ran repeating that in my head, rhythmically. just cause you’ve got grit, doesn’t mean you have to suffer, try the easy route. just cause you’ve got grit, doesn’t mean you have to suffer, ride the wings of change. even my stride became more graceful, the rain felt more pleasant as it hit my brow. by the way, it’s a haiku 🙂 but what does it even mean?
grit(n): courage and resolve, strength of character, fortitude, courage in pain or adversity
grit(v): clench (the teeth), especially in order to keep one’s resolve when faced with an unpleasant or painful duty.
I believe grit is a gift, developed over time. It’s admirable, it’s a trait I desire to see in others and a way of being that I default to often. It can get tricky, when you’ve developed true grit you have also developed a level of tolerance for things, situations, people and circumstances that may not serve you. What you are actually doing is suffering. You suffer through but for you and your true grit it does not necessarily feel like suffering, you are just doing what you know to do– resolving.
You are free to try an easier route, listen to your emotions and intuition when something is out of whack. Notice when something is requiring a level of energy that results in depletion. Notice when you find yourself pushing really, really hard to resolve, consider that you are suffering and decide in that moment if you want to suffer. You may be a masochist, and that’s ok as long as you’re conscious of it. If you’re not a masochist then ask yourself how suffering benefits you, if it doesn’t try an easier route. If you are suffering through an inevitable change, surrender and ride the wings of change. Ride the wings of change? Yup, don’t push. Flow. You know when you’re pushing or forcing an outcome, in those moments surrender, take a deep breath, say a prayer, go for a walk, do something to shift the energy for your own sake. And I’ll say it one more time, in closing. YOU DON’T HAVE TO SUFFER!
Mercury stationed direct. whew. The new moon is in Aries, the beginning of a new lunar year. Beyoncè just resurrected my whole entire life. and I’m feeling like a weight lifted. The air around me is lighter. The vision is clearer. The inspiration is imminent. I am overjoyed. While Mercury Rx was tough for me, as it was for many I got something so worth the frustration and tears that were shed over the past few weeks. What was in review for me was my own self-worth. What came up? Who I am in relationship with others, who have I been over the past 7 years. I have Aries in my 7th house so there are no surprises that relationships were the highlight of my reflections…
… you’ll never stop loving hard. you’ll meet others on your path. you’ll love them deeply. you’ll keep learning, growing, creating, and you’ll keep opening your heart, until it learns not to contract in fear. You’ll let it burst at the seams maybe a million times over, in this lifetime. Next time as the seams burst, as the excitement overtakes you and your natural disposition leans toward altering yourself for another take a moment… in that moment make a promise to keep yourself first. It will be a challenge for someone like you but I think it will help with your transition. Instead of losing yourself or feeling like you are, you extend that big love so it includes you and if all else fails, and if all else continues to fail you know what you’ll have no matter what? you’ll have you!!! Xx …
do you trust yourself enough to do it
because ultimately that is what you are faced with
there are no external circumstances, those are illusions.
the concerns that spill through soiling the dream, those are illusions too.
what you stand up against is yourself.
you already know it’s alchemy. you already know that the universe will conspire…
you know your gifts, you have the passion, the will, the grit.
you will never answer the question, “am I truly capable?” from a place of wonder.
you actually have to do it to find out.
You don’t actually have to choose joy if you are not feeling internally joyful. It’s ok to choose the exact emotion that you are feeling, and by choosing you ultimately release judgement and allow yourself to feel the more vulnerable emotions like sadness, anger, fear, malice, envy, shame. Those emotions are real and they deserve to be welcomed just as freely as we welcome joy and happiness. The concern that inevitably arises for me when falsely choosing joy or using the mind over matter technique is that it is a temporary fix at best, a bandaid if you will. Choosing a more amicable or acceptable emotion is in violation to our growth and healing. It’s inauthentic. It’s a flag on the play. Unnecessary roughness. Flagrant! Really… it is. It does not heal anything, it does not transform, it does not enlighten or enliven, it does not even reveal to you your triggers.
When an emotion is not allowed it is suppressed, also suppressed is an opportunity to get to the other side of whatever it is you are feeling. Our path is not linear and like roses, there are thorns. The fullness of joy you are able to experience in this lifetime is directly correlated to your willingness to allow your emotions to come and visit freely. Sad days will come, honor them. Be curious about what may be ready for healing. Write about how you feel. Talk about how you feel. Don’t just choose joy for the sake of being temporarily comfortable, you do not have to. It’s ok to not be ok. And for heavens sake please stop telling people to just be happy. Don’t stunt their growth like that.
I am in love with you. I do not necessarily want to have sex with you. I may or may not be physically attracted to you. Maybe you are my friend, someone I knew my entire life, or maybe you are a stranger that I’ve just come into contact with. Maybe you are a man. Maybe you are a woman. Maybe you share the same sentiments but maybe you are completely freaked out by the proclamation. Maybe you lean in or maybe you build a wall. I am in love with you. It has nothing to do with physical or material. It has nothing to do with what I want from you or what I want to do with you. It has nothing to do with your features, your smile, your wit, your charm or your body. I am in love with. You happen to fit, hand-in-glove, with the very patterns of consciousness that I carry in the depth of my being. Happenstance, there is no such thing so I know this meeting is divine. I am forever grateful for this moment and sometimes, oftentimes, most times it is just that…a moment, fleeting.
am. in. love. with.
*i wonder if we, the collective will arrive here in this dimension but then I read in the way of mastery: “your journey to God is alone” and so I will use my energy to love not wonder.