suicide.

I have been feeling very apologetic.
Apologetic for matters that are far out of my reach, responsibility or jurisdiction.
I have been feeling very apologetic to those who clipped their wings prematurely.
I say prematurely with so much reservation because is there such a thing?
Things happen precisely when they are supposed to, I believe this, whole-heartedly.
When I’m in the NICU, and I see babies on machines fighting for their lives because they were born pre-term I question the notion of premature vs. perfect timing. I find solace in knowing the resources are in place to get that baby ready for life, and I breathe deeper hoping that my breathing helps strengthen the babies lungs, someway. Somehow.
When I hear of people committing suicide my beliefs on premature vs. perfect timing are in constant fluctuation. I have no solace. No hope or wish that this was supposed to happen or that something extraordinary is made available from the experience.
I struggle to cope with perfect timing because in the moment it seems so untimely, so unfortunate, so tragic.
I wish we could all make a pact with someone who we know loves us.
I wish the pact could be that when it gets too dark when life seems not to be worth living anymore that we call our person. We send the smoke signal. And our person shows up for us– they pick up the phone, drive, fly, come to where we are, they video chat, they sleep over, they look up therapist with us, they just LISTEN, and they rock us until that feeling subsides.
I wish in the moment of despair a shift in perspective could prolong life.
I wish in the moment of severe darkness there’s a glimpse of light.
I wish in the moment of deep pain there is but a fond memory.
I wish in the midst of debilitating loneliness there’s just one person.
I pray for the souls of those that clipped their wings prematurely.
I pray for the souls of those considering…
alis grave nil.
it’s Latin for, with wings, nothing is heavy.
I wish for you, wings.
I love you.
Xx

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4 thoughts on “suicide.

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